Monat: April 2015
[Still a bit new to this fandom – please reblog if you are an active Lord of the Rings/The Hobbit roleplay blog!]
Now We are Home
His knuckles were throbbing, but nothing was broken besides the skin, split open only slightly on the middle digit where it had struck hardest. It helped a little, to anchor him down amid the maelstrom swirling in his chest. What did not help was Kili’s interrupted retort, and the tension buzzing in the air in the silence that followed, louder than Kili’s voice could have been.
Fili resisted his mother’s pull, fingertips digging into the wall as if it were a lifeline, but he did not have the strength to resist more than a few moments before he was sagging into the circle of her arms, tipping sideways but still stiff with tension. He was vibrating with a mix of feelings he couldn’t have put into words if he’d tried – anger, fear, bitterness and regret, hurt, sorrow – things he had never imagined he would feel on this journey and yet seemed to overflow from him now that it was done. He kept his eyes shut tight, taking deep breaths as Kili had always done in a panic, but he felt like his chest was being compressed, like there was not enough air in the world to fill his lungs.
Gradually the tightness in him eased under his mother’s care until he was curled up against her like the dwarfling he was being treated as, wishing she could simply kiss the memories away as she had once kissed away the pain in scraped knees. His eyes flickered up toward the bed, seeing only a lump where his brother should have been and feeling a sharp sting in both his heart and behind his eyes. He swallowed, though the effort didn’t stop his voice cracking as he spoke. “Talking won’t change what’s happened.” It was not as if Fili wanted to be angry with his uncle. He wasn’t just being mean spirited, as Kili seemed hell-bent on believing. Something fundamental had broken somewhere – he wasn’t sure what had done it, or if it was the result of everything – his trust had snapped, misaligned, and it had yet to set itself right again, if it ever would.
He took another deep breath, his lower lip trembling briefly. “I’ve had – dreams – on the cliff, falling. But it’s not – it’s not the orc who throws me.” Fili left the rest unsaid, sucking in another breath that made his teeth chatter. He hated himself, for carrying this dark thing around. He wanted to let it go, as Kili wanted, but he didn’t know how. Everything still felt so raw – how could he come to terms with Thorin when he still felt like both screaming at him and running in the opposite direction? And yet another part wanted to curled up in his arms and cry until there was nothing left. “I don’t know how to talk to him anymore.”
“Tell him that, then.” She still held him tight, brushing kisses through his hair, rubbing his back. “My sweet, it’s like a broken bone. It’ll need to be set, else it’ll fester and cripple you, but the setting will hurt, and it’ll be better afterwards. It won’t set itself, though, you need to do something about it.”
Briefly, she glanced back to the bed once more. “I want you to talk to him” she repeated, her voice as calm as possible, “Now, my sweet. I’ll help you set this right, but I can’t do the talking for you.” Talking to Thorin would likely set straight what was wrong between him and Kili as well, wouldn’t it? “It won’t change what happened, but nothing will do that. It’ll change what will be happening, though.” She let go of him for a brief moment to cup his face with her hands. “Look at me, my sweet. You’ve been through terrible things, I know. But festering wounds don’t heal if they’re ignored, that is true for mental ones as well, you see? Your brother went through the same after he was taken prisoner, d’you remember?” Of course he did; none of them would ever forget that.
“Come on.” Gently, she squeezed his hand. “I’ll take care of you, I promise. But I can’t speak for you, you see?”
Only the Beginning
The feel of Kili’s back beneath his palm, muscles flexing and hard bone unyielding, was a familiar one, comforting and warm while times ahead were far unknown. Fili did not know if the days to come would bring them glory or sorrow, but the peace he felt in this moment, despite his brother’s dreams, made him believe all that could come was adventure, and victory. Whatever came, as long as he had Kili by his side, no harm could befall them.
“You flatter,” he murmured with a soft smile, nuzzling his cheek and letting his knee fall to the side to allow his hand better access. “It is working.” Sleep was gradually clearing away as his heart quickened and goosebumps rose on his skin, exposed to the cool air when Kili pushed his shirt up. He shivered, watching Kili’s head dip down and feeling his warm lips press to the center of his chest. “How do you want me, beloved?”
“I want you inside me.” His answer was quite simple as he let his palm rest against the warmth of Fili’s inner thigh. “I want to feel your touch for the days to come, as you’ll feel mine.” The corners of his mouth curled into another smile at Fili’s words. “It’s true. I love when your hair’s open like that, running wild…” The grin on his face widened a little more. “Don’t worry, I’ll rebraid it for you. I don’t want you as my prince now, though, I want you as my husband and my brother.”
He reached up, two fingers following one of his brother’s braids before carefully untangling his hair, placing his beads on the bedside table to make sure they did not get lost. Once he was done, he rested his chin onto Fili’s chest, glancing up at him with a light smile. “My lion brother” he repeated softly, resting his ear against Fili’s heart, closing his eyes once more, if only for a brief moment, fingertips of his free hand toying with the curls on Fili’s chest.
Now We are Home
Fili stared at his brother, unable to look away even as his words cuts into him like a thousand tiny shards of glass. He felt cold, the parts of him that had been warmly pressed to Kili’s side now made of ice. The inches Kili had put between them seemed leagues wide – unfathomable, unassailable.
Part of him wanted nothing more than to agree, to soothe him and beg forgiveness, to pull him back into his arms and calm the trembling in his limbs. Kili’s skin was pale and slick now with perspiration, the red rims around his eyes stark by contrast. He was still unwell, and Fili felt like a monster for incensing him so. His argument even made sense, or began to, until the end.
“What is one year compared to the lifetime he doomed us to rot in the elves’ dungeon?” he snapped. “I throw nothing away – I merely choose not to conveniently forget Thorin’s less noble moments. Like when he deemed his own pride worth more than the quest – rather than grant Thranduil what he wanted – we could have gotten help – Thorin chose to let us all rot. We could have been escorted out of the forest with all our weapons, instead you were shot in the midst of escape. He risked everything, including the fucking quest! But then suddenly it was more important than his nephew’s life.”
“But you’re right. He was kind enough not to drag me away from you. That should make up for how he dragged me forward to kill our burglar for trying to stop a war – I should thank him for not trying to kill me as well for simply refusing!” He stopped abruptly, his chest heaving, suddenly aware that he could barely see through the watering of his eyes. Fili rolled off the bed, cursing as he pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, pacing away from Kili and Dis – who had said barely a word amid their bickering. That felt as condemning as if she’d been shouting.
He slammed his palms against the bare stone wall in frustration, the slap of skin meeting stone and the sting in his hands doing little to calm him. Fili cursed again, a string of the foulest things he’d ever spoken in front of his mother. His fist hit the wall before he realized what he was doing, and pain flared in his hand where his knuckles struck. He sank down until he was crouching and pressed his forehead to the cool stone, squeezing his eyes shut and taking deep breaths. He felt like a fool – knew that he looked an even bigger fool than he felt, that Kili was in a fury and he had only made it worse. This at least, he knew he could not blame on Thorin.
“So now you do blame him for the sickness, don’t you?” Kili hissed, “I never asked you to-”, but Dís placed a hand on his arm and he fell silent at once, lips clamping shut. She rose to her feet, briefly pressing a kiss to Kili’s forehead before moving over to sit next to Fili, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tight, softly rocking him back and forth like a dwarfling that’d woken from a nightmare.
“Hush, my sweet.” Her voice was soft as she nuzzled his hair, briefly brushing her fingertips over his cheek. “It’s fine, it’s fine.” Briefly, she glanced down onto his hands to make sure he hadn’t hurt himself, before pressing another kiss to his hair. “You’ve done fine, my sweet. You’ve done fine, I know that. I don’t know what happened between Thorin and Thranduil, but you and your brother yelling at each other won’t change that nor make it better. You’ll have to talk to Thorin instead…” Briefly, she glanced back at Kili who’d curled up beneath the blankets of his bed, eyes fixed on the wall. “… and maybe you better do that without your brother.”
Gently, she ran her fingers up and down his back. “Easy, my sweet. I’m here now, I’ll take care of everything.”
Kili sprawled out on the bed, head hanging a bit over the side, the expression on his face being a dramatic showing of an upcoming death of boredom. „Feewee. Pay attention to me.“ (durinsxsons)
“I am,” he mumbled automatically, though he didn’t even glance up from where he was carefully wrapping thin leather strips around the hafts of the throwing axes he’d just finished sharpening to form the grip. Creating a smooth grip while maintaining the axe’s balance required careful precision.
There were two done, neatly laid out on the floor on a blanket, the last in line still waiting.
Fili’s eyelids dropped to half mast as he returned his brother’s kisses clumsily, drinking in the devotion on his tongue and the love in his words. The hand on his abdomen had turned to fire, searing his skin and sending his muscles rippling beneath it as his hips rolled against his hand. As he felt movement begin, the drag of skin within him, he let out a soft, pleased sound. Though it was not the ultimate connection Fili wanted, the beginning brought a different thrill. In these moments with Kili’s fingers buried in him, playing his body like a fiddle as he looked on, he felt possessed – coveted and cared for.
His head tipped back to give his brother’s lips more room to wander, hissing when teeth dug into his skin sharply and then shuddering under the gentle butterfly’s touch that followed, pain and pleasure mingling to make his skin flush. Fili’s hand worked blindly at Kili’s fastenings, fumbling until he finally felt them give way so he could shove his hand inside. Threading through dark curls, his nails scratched briefly at the skin beneath, just above the base of his length, as he felt wet heat close over a nipple. “Kee, love..” He moaned softly, hips rolling as his back arched to press closer to Kili’s mouth, his nails digging into his skin before he slid his hand down a few more inches to wrap around his length.
He drew in a sharp breath as he felt Fili’s hand, calloused as his palm was, between his legs, his thighs involuntarily spreading a little further. “I know” he whispered, hot breath caressing his brother’s skin as he did so, “Lie still, my love.” Gently, his lips brushed over Fili’s chest once more before he bent his head, pressing a kiss to the inside of Fili’s thigh, just above his knee when he carefully pushed a second finger up inside him, moving up to find that spot deep inside his brother’s body that would make him see stars, as they’d discovered together.
His lips wandered up to meet his brother’s once more, swallowing down eagerly every sound of pleasure he managed to derive from his brother’s lips, his free hand caressing his brother’s hip, feeling the bone beneath his skin. “I love you” he whispered, “My sun, my heart, my husband.” The smile on his face widened a bit as he looked down at him, watching his brother’s eyes, dark with passion as they were, and the flutter of his eyelids. “My wonderful, beautiful brother…”
keep careful watch of my brother's s o u l;; 